The student as the teacher – two lessons from a friend

I spent many hours in the nineties, without my consent, listening to a band called Pearl Jam, who played with many other grungy bands on the soundtrack of my parenting-teenagers gig. One of their signature tunes, to which I was subjected over and over, was called "Rearview Mirror". I thought about that chorus after I caught up with my friend Emily recently.

It is always a pleasure to see Emily's insouciant blonde bob bounce into the cafe. I haven't seen her for a few months, and she seemed to bring a certain lightness with her this time, which was a bit different to the tone of some of our previous catch-ups.

We have had an occasional mentoring relationship over the past 3 years. As I have frequently advocated, and as I confirmed again to myself looking in my rearview mirror, I get at least as much out of those connections as I may impart as mentor.

Here are two things of the many things I have to thank Emily for.

• Yet another validation of the value of resilience
  

Emily is the CEO of a national organisation, and the first successor to the long-serving founding CEO. A solid phalanx of the old brigade remained on the organisation's board after her appointment, and mounted a concerted rear-guard action against the transition to a new and progressive CEO.

Personal attacks in board meetings, behind-the-scenes plotting, rumour-mongering and the spreading of misinformation were the most vicious of the tools used, abetted by the complaints of some of the senior staff unable or unwilling to cope with the change in tempo.

Throughout that process, Emily managed to cling to a sense of self-worth, a desire to see the transformation of the organisation to a conclusion, and a conviction that "this too shall pass". We had a number of harrowing discussions during that time, each time concluding with Emily's resolve to keep the mission going.

The old guard has now quit the field, to take up their pipes and slippers elsewhere; the organisation has been fully unshackled and is flying. Emily's resistance to slipping into a downward spiral, or just to giving up and walking out, has kept an important operation alive and able to move forward with renewed focus.

• "The Spill"
  

Emily and I developed, in an organic way, a technique in our mentoring sessions which I have termed "The Spill". She would start by just letting everything on her mind tumble out, whether in any logical order or not, and we could then pull things out of that for investigation, discussion or observation.

I have found The Spill to be an invaluable tool when mentoring people who are under significant pressure – particularly CEOs, who are otherwise expected to be measured and dispassionate. But you have to be prepared, as mentor, to sit quietly, listen intently and resist the temptation to intervene until the flow has become a trickle. Only then should you start the unpacking together – as mentor try and use your scalpel rather than your cleaver in that process. Then build the plan to deal with the issues uncovered.

Thank you Emily. As ever, you teach me more than you know.